on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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