I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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