Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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