I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
