Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
