By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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