mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You may now shotgun with the bride
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
