Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just tell him i said nine months
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
