Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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