he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
