If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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