Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize