my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just forgot I was standing up.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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