South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
