I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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