need another drink. this is the easiest way
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
