If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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