In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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