Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
