I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
