I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Is it penis luge time yet?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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