by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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