Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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