I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
