No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just want to make out with him forever
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
