'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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