Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
