The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
