Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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