I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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