I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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