Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
