So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
