I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
