I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
