I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Found the puke drawer
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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