So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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