were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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