new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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