I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
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I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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