Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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