I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
