I feel great
I just peed on a car
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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