Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
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I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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