If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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