you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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