Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
