$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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