a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
