Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.