just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
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I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.