My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.