I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
