I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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