I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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