I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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