Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
